A team of archaeologists from Cesspool University, Male' City, has dug up Maldivian Integrity during a research expedition in the country's north. Integrity in Maldives is believed to have been missing for centuries - until now.
The research team consisting of graduate students, professors, a puppy and a pet chameleon made the surprise discovery while digging in an uninhabited island for signs of early settlements. This is what they told the university anyway. Our sources say they were mostly just partying.
The exact location of the find is being kept a secret due to the value of Integrity.
"This explains so much," said lead researcher Dr. Masha Varihama. "People always wondered where is the integrity in this country. Does it even exist? Turns out it's been buried here all along."
According to Varihama whomever buried it had gone to great lengths to ensure it stays hidden. It was found several feet beneath the ground, wrapped in cloth, inside a wooden box which was smeared in the most unappetizing mixture of lonumirus and rihaakuru - probably to stave off anyone that might look for it.
Dr. Rishvath Kali also accompanied the team. He said, "It's too early to talk about the implications of the find. But we could sure use some Integrity in this country right now."
As news of the discovery spread many citizens have come out with principled stances against injustice. Reports say state lawyers, police and other civil servants are taking a stand against unconstitutional orders from the president. Dunya Maumoon is also acting very confused, according to sources.
Dr. Varihama says she's already planning another expedition to look for this country's Ladh.
Thursday, February 22, 2018
Sunday, May 7, 2017
Fucking protest calls on police to do their fucking jobs
Fucking activist groups have held a series of protests demanding that the police do their fucking jobs. Protests were started after multiple fucking failures by the police to do their constitutional fucking duty.
One of the organizers of the fucking protest, Maryam Rangabil, said that they were fucking pissed about the corruption inside the fucking police institution and that they were all tired of this fucking shit. She also demanded that all them motherfuckers be held accountable for their fucking failures.
Them motherfuckers were not responding to calls for comment.
The fucking police have recently been criticized for failing to arrest violent fucking criminals in the country. Critics pointed out the prompt fucking action police took regularly against all sorts of opposition political activity while the real criminals seem to enjoy fucking immunity.
Meanfuckingwhile, organizers of the fucking protests called on the public to be respectful of the country's laws despite the fucking authorities not doing the same, and urged protesters not to stoop to their fucking level.
"I know that we're all fucking angry," said Rangabil. "But use that anger to fucking demand positive fucking change. For fucking all of us."
One of the organizers of the fucking protest, Maryam Rangabil, said that they were fucking pissed about the corruption inside the fucking police institution and that they were all tired of this fucking shit. She also demanded that all them motherfuckers be held accountable for their fucking failures.
Them motherfuckers were not responding to calls for comment.
The fucking police have recently been criticized for failing to arrest violent fucking criminals in the country. Critics pointed out the prompt fucking action police took regularly against all sorts of opposition political activity while the real criminals seem to enjoy fucking immunity.
Meanfuckingwhile, organizers of the fucking protests called on the public to be respectful of the country's laws despite the fucking authorities not doing the same, and urged protesters not to stoop to their fucking level.
"I know that we're all fucking angry," said Rangabil. "But use that anger to fucking demand positive fucking change. For fucking all of us."
Sunday, April 30, 2017
Yameen Rasheed's legacy
I started this blog in the beginning of April, 2017.
On the 23rd day of the same month, Yameen Rasheed, who was among the most prolific and well-known bloggers in Maldives, was brutally murdered in his home.
I feel compelled to address this atrocity before I continue to write here.
I first came across Yameen's blog sometime around 2009-2010. I've been reading it religiously since. His writing was always the best - a brilliant mix of insight, humor, compassion, criticism, and an unflinching position on the importance of human rights.
In a country like Maldives that's ruled by dictators and despots, Yameen Rasheed had the courage to speak out against injustice using his own name, and he made us laugh along the way. That's why so many freedom lovers in this country and beyond admired him.
I only knew Yameen Rasheed through his writing. But his loss - the way he was taken from us with such senseless brutality - has affected me greatly. Surely this feeling would be magnified a thousandfold for his friends and family, whose tweets and statements I've been following since his passing.
Yameen's murder follows a pattern of political hits in this country that goes without investigation from the authorities. We know this because when the authorities are not actively derailing these investigations they have been known to outright lie to the public about them.
I will not list all of their lies here. They are too many and already known to anybody who gives a damn. They have been exposed too many times to be excused as mistakes.
Suffice it to say, authorities refused to investigate the constant death threats Yameen had received for years, the murder scene was cleaned spotless and all of the blood was painted over immediately after the murder took place, and they claimed to know the identities of the killers at first, only to recant it a few days later.
To say that this is alarming is an understatement. It follows the same pattern of lies, derailment, cover-ups and impunity for politically motivated killings that we have seen before in this country.
Whomever it is that killed Yameen their message is quite clear: "Shut up or end up like him."
But they don't realize that by killing him they've only made his voice louder. I will never shut up and they will never win because they can't kill us all.
___________________
Yameen Rasheed's website - The Daily Panic, Twitter.
Never forget.
On the 23rd day of the same month, Yameen Rasheed, who was among the most prolific and well-known bloggers in Maldives, was brutally murdered in his home.
I feel compelled to address this atrocity before I continue to write here.
I first came across Yameen's blog sometime around 2009-2010. I've been reading it religiously since. His writing was always the best - a brilliant mix of insight, humor, compassion, criticism, and an unflinching position on the importance of human rights.
In a country like Maldives that's ruled by dictators and despots, Yameen Rasheed had the courage to speak out against injustice using his own name, and he made us laugh along the way. That's why so many freedom lovers in this country and beyond admired him.
I only knew Yameen Rasheed through his writing. But his loss - the way he was taken from us with such senseless brutality - has affected me greatly. Surely this feeling would be magnified a thousandfold for his friends and family, whose tweets and statements I've been following since his passing.
Yameen's murder follows a pattern of political hits in this country that goes without investigation from the authorities. We know this because when the authorities are not actively derailing these investigations they have been known to outright lie to the public about them.
I will not list all of their lies here. They are too many and already known to anybody who gives a damn. They have been exposed too many times to be excused as mistakes.
Suffice it to say, authorities refused to investigate the constant death threats Yameen had received for years, the murder scene was cleaned spotless and all of the blood was painted over immediately after the murder took place, and they claimed to know the identities of the killers at first, only to recant it a few days later.
To say that this is alarming is an understatement. It follows the same pattern of lies, derailment, cover-ups and impunity for politically motivated killings that we have seen before in this country.
Whomever it is that killed Yameen their message is quite clear: "Shut up or end up like him."
But they don't realize that by killing him they've only made his voice louder. I will never shut up and they will never win because they can't kill us all.
___________________
Yameen Rasheed's website - The Daily Panic, Twitter.
Never forget.
Thursday, April 20, 2017
Shampoo explosion at Rihakuru International
A major shampoo explosion has rocked an unwary traveler's luggage at Rihakuru International Airport (RIA). Officials confirmed the incident with the following statement:
"At approximately 3:15pm today airport security stopped a traveler whose luggage was leaking some unknown, slippery substance that smelled amazing. After an investigation by airport detectives we discovered that the source of the leak was a bottle of shampoo that had seemingly exploded inside the traveler's luggage. We are still trying to assess the damage caused by this unfortunate incident. Our thoughts and prayers are with the victim."
The luggage belonged to Ukrainian national Petrov Laderinza, 37, who had arrived in the Maldives for holiday. "I'm still in shock," he said speaking to reporters and clearly distraught from the ordeal. "It was a jumbo sized bottle, too. Now it's everywhere. All my clothes need to be washed..... and they smell amazing."
Managing Director of RIA Ahmed Gulsham urged travelers to be more careful when packing toiletries. "Incidents like this do not affect just one person," he said. "Think of everyone involved today. The airport detectives, security officials, the janitors who had to clean it up.... and maybe even some wannabe reporter who's writing this story. All this pain could have been avoided if Mr. Laderinza had just secured his toiletries properly. And more importantly, what brand was that shampoo? It smelled amazing."
"At approximately 3:15pm today airport security stopped a traveler whose luggage was leaking some unknown, slippery substance that smelled amazing. After an investigation by airport detectives we discovered that the source of the leak was a bottle of shampoo that had seemingly exploded inside the traveler's luggage. We are still trying to assess the damage caused by this unfortunate incident. Our thoughts and prayers are with the victim."
The luggage belonged to Ukrainian national Petrov Laderinza, 37, who had arrived in the Maldives for holiday. "I'm still in shock," he said speaking to reporters and clearly distraught from the ordeal. "It was a jumbo sized bottle, too. Now it's everywhere. All my clothes need to be washed..... and they smell amazing."
Managing Director of RIA Ahmed Gulsham urged travelers to be more careful when packing toiletries. "Incidents like this do not affect just one person," he said. "Think of everyone involved today. The airport detectives, security officials, the janitors who had to clean it up.... and maybe even some wannabe reporter who's writing this story. All this pain could have been avoided if Mr. Laderinza had just secured his toiletries properly. And more importantly, what brand was that shampoo? It smelled amazing."
Thursday, April 13, 2017
Hae Hae - Bey, Toy, Ziya & Rydey: A critical review and analysis
Of all the songs in the world that's about guys harassing girls on the street and getting boners in public at the mere sight of a woman - this is one of the best.
I think it's important to include an English translation of the chorus in this review for our international readers. It is essential to understand the overall theme of the song, its subtle complexities and the clever use of allegory in this masterpiece of social commentary.
CHORUS:
"Hello hello hello
Be mine
Don't you understand this is not harassment?
My heart is loose
My tongue is twisted
Heartbeat's getting faster"
After the introductory chorus, the first verse starts immediately to a shot of the rapper with three girls behind him who're pointing their butts at the camera. A casual listener may have missed it at first, but the girls' behinds are obviously a metaphor that represents nostalgia. It's almost as if they're saying, "you can look back at a time when this song didn't exist.... but reality is much bleaker than that."
Some words and syllables in the verses seem to be superfluous and they don't make much sense. It occurs only a few times but it leaves the listener wondering what they've just heard.
I bet you thought that was a mistake, didn't you? Or maybe some verbal putty used to fill in the spaces?
You couldn't be more wrong!
They are clearly a reflection of the uncertainties of life. Especially when you spend most of your life harassing strangers and frequently getting uncontrollable boners in public. All the raps in the song seem to be highlighting this issue.
There are also a couple of references to Lebanese-American pornstar Mia Khalifa, which I thought perfectly represented the unrealistic and dolled up image of women depicted in media.
As I said before, this song is full of extremely subtle social commentary. Added with the brilliant use of 'butt allegory' and a barrage of euphemisms for the sexual functions of both male and female genitalia - the song and its video complement each other perfectly.
So what are you waiting for? Go ahead and give it a listen!
Tuesday, April 11, 2017
President Yameen wins Maldivian Idol
Ruling party lawmakers are scrambling to justify President Yameen's unexpected Maldivian Idol win. Yameen was not a contestant in the popular reality television show.
PPM PG leader tweeted, "His Excellency President Yameen deserved the win. No vote necessary."
He was referring to the supreme court order which annulled the voting results based on a secret police intelligence report.
Critics fear this sets a dangerous precedent right before the upcoming 2018 presidential election. They alleged that Yameen could be handed a second term without an independent voting process.
The President's Office released a strongly worded rebuttal assuring critics that they are indeed correct. The statement also condemned them for terrorizing the country with rational arguments.
PPM PG leader tweeted, "His Excellency President Yameen deserved the win. No vote necessary."
He was referring to the supreme court order which annulled the voting results based on a secret police intelligence report.
Critics fear this sets a dangerous precedent right before the upcoming 2018 presidential election. They alleged that Yameen could be handed a second term without an independent voting process.
The President's Office released a strongly worded rebuttal assuring critics that they are indeed correct. The statement also condemned them for terrorizing the country with rational arguments.
Monday, April 3, 2017
Anti-poem
Roses vary in color,
And violets too.
You can't generalize these things
Because there are many different species.
And violets too.
You can't generalize these things
Because there are many different species.
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